I give up

So, I remember the night.  It was late – probably about 9:30 or so.  I was combining a wheat field.  It had already been a long summer.  My honey was running trucks for me in between spraying.

Earlier that day my son had called crying and said his hamster had died.  I thought he was pranking me and when I heard the tears come, I knew it was no joke.

As I pulled up to the semi for the last unload of the night, I remember thinking there has to be something better than this.  To say we worked hard, was an understatement.  To say that I felt my job as a mother and a wife fell short, was an understatement.  I was trying to do it all and feeling like I was failing at most of it.

Between then and now the kids have grown and our business has shifted.  We farm more – spray a little less.  Kids are more independent.  But that wasn’t what helped me get to a better place.

What helped me is what I’ve learned at school.  It’s what I teach about finding the root cause.  Mine was big-time resistance.  Resistance about being ok where I was.  Resistance about not being able to be everything to everyone.  Resistance about not being able to make things ok for my children, my family, my friends.  Resistance about things not being fair.

When I learned how to stop resisting, it stopped the hamster cycle of feeling bad.  When I learned how to identify when I was feeling bad, I learned how to be in that – without resistance – and to appreciate it.  When that feeling is no longer serving me, I now know how to pull myself back to a place that does.  I am grateful for that. I am grateful for both experiences.

Its ok to have times where you feel bad.  It’s actually required if you want to live a full life.  My days aren’t perfect.  I’m not always happy.  I’m not always put together.  But now my days aren’t spent sunk in quicksand.   I can appreciate the overwhelm of farming, kids, and chaos in a way I never could before.  I can pull myself back up when I know it’s getting tough.  I’m no longer on autopilot and I get to decide how I want to feel and not be victim to my emotions.

There will be a time when you look back and reflected on your life.  Don’t let time slip away – it’s the only real treasure that can’t be replaced.

Much love my friends!